Incremented Resolutions

I started blogging in November last year..
So far I have only 54 entries
I disconnected from June through September
What a shame!!
Well maybe it's because I don't have a certain purpose for this blog... and i treat it like a personal vent to display my complicated life on public...

Ok, I shall continue venting
At the end of January, I came up with something called "Incremented Resolutions". Something I thought would be very useful to fulfill my year's resolutions and not forget about them around the end of February and only remember them on December... something to keep me going and hoping.

It is working so well so far, I know no one is gonna read, but I'm writing them for me.. so here we go:

• I have learnt accounting!!!!!! It's one of my greatest accomplishments so far considering how much I hated it in college. I know what its all about, I'm even considering enrolling in a CMA course! The problem is, only 1 institution in Kuwait offers it, and it's only a weekend course, and I don't like weekend courses cos weekends are not only rest time for me, but also for the instructors, and I don't think he/she are very happy to work on weekends...
  The institute will keep me posted if they offer any weekdays courses.. we will see about that.
• The Ameen project for work is going well so far. a bit slow, but it's all because my boss is too busy and we barely have time to sit and work on it together.. but hopefully it will be all done before April next year when we have to do the inventories and the start of the new financial year of the company.
• I can somewhat speak French right now, which has been a dream of mine since I was 5
  I took level 1&2 in Kuwait, from January till May. In the summer, I enrolled in a course in Damascus and took a placement test, and was eligible for level 4! at the end of the course, I was the second top student in my class although it wasn't very easy for me since I have skipped one whole level! That was another accomplishment for this year in my opinion...
  Right now, I'm searching for a good institute here to continue Frenching my way through, cos the one I used to study in only offers beginners' classes.

A few things that I wish I could accomplish but having some troubles with:

• Reading!! I still can't get myself to read books from the beginning to the end, and I don't know why. I just can't finish them! I don't have the heart to sit with a thick book with small letters, or stare at a computer screen for hours to read.. It's frustrating..
• Exercising: Although I am standing at 47 Kg right now, but I still need to work out a little to have some flexibility.. sitting on my ass all day long is not serving me well at all and it's really messing my physic..
  I need to find a gym, but it's really hard in this country for many reasons..
• Buying a car: I have been wanting to have my own car since God knows when.. and it got worse after I got my driving licence 2 years ago. In June, I finally started the first phase of car shopping and looking at catalogues. But every time I set my mind on a car, my father starts planting obstacles out of the blue. Until it was summer time and we had to travel to Damascus, it's then when he said that we shall wait until October when all car dealerships will release the 2008 models..
  October has come and gone, and I still don't have my mind set on a car...
  I just hope I get it over with before the end of the year.

Relationships wise?
Long story.. will have a special entry for that one.. maybe by the end of the year.

For this month..
I have 4 things stuck in place that I need to resolve:

• CMA course (depends on the institute)
• French course (depends on me)
• The car (depends on both dad and me)
• Al-Ameen Project (depends on my boss and me)

2 months left till the end of the year..
better start resolving those resolutions very soon.

2 years ago

Exactly 2 years ago, I walked on a big stage in Shaikh Rashid's Hall, shook hands with Shaikh Mohammed bin Rashed Al Maktoom, CNN coorespondent Christiane Amanpour, President of AUD Dr. Lance DeMasi, and the Dean of Business School Dr. Jihad Nader. I was told Congratulations. And my moment was broadcasted on Dubai Satalite TV.

Exactly 2 years ago, I graduated.

I had 10 invitations to give away.. to invite the people I care about most to share that special moment with me.
I ended up inviting 3 people only, and the rest of the invitations... well.. i gave them back to the registrar's office cos I didn't need them
the 3 invitations were for the 3 people who hated wearing suites like crazy but still wore them to come to my graduation ceremoney. Brian, Bobby, Ismaiel... Thanks guys...

I couldn't invite people cos most of the people I know were already graduating, and the others got invites from other people...

It was hearbreaking to see people asking for extra 5 to 10 invitations because they wanted to invite as many people as they can, when I had to give up 7 invitations cos I didn't need them.
My friend's brother flew all the way from Canada just to attend the graduation.
My parents couldn't fly in from Kuwait because my siblings were in the middle of exams and couldn't be left alone.
It was such a horrible feeling to see everyone's families' waiting outside for their kids who make them proud.. to see everyone with someone... and to just watch.

My only consolation is that it the ceremoney was broadcased on tv and my family in Kuwait and Syria got to watch it. My parents even taped it to watch it as many times as they could.

It's really stupid of me just to remember the annoying stuff from my graduation.
I believe AUD was an important phase of my life.. reaching graduation was very important to me because it ment that I made it through... I made an achievement, when so many people were waiting for me to fall apart.

On a last note, the camera I had that day was a non-digital Canon Prima Super 115.
I used up a full roll that day. I still haven't developed the pictures though.
At the begining of the month, I tried to collect all the courage I have to confront myself and live the moment again, the good moment! but I chickened out and pretended to forget it.
It is well kept, so I don't think anything would happen to it.

I don't blame anyone for not reading through the whole thing.. it's really depressing only remembering the annoying things about such a happy day... but in order for me to let go, I need to open up and talk it out... and pray there would be someone who listens.

and here comes June

This resolution increments thing should work.. if only I had the strength to stick to it

The reading thing was going ok until i faced a problem with one book.. then the whole idea fell apart *sigh*

no.. I stopped reading that book, and grabbed another one called "Please Stop Laughing at me". it is a true story about bullying and abuse in schools in the United States.

I really loved the story and loved how true it was. I have never been physically abused during school years, but like everyone.. I was psychologically abused, mostly in college, and because of how much of a drama queen I can be, I never managed to let go.

But this month, I want to let go.
This month, because on June 6th, exactly 2 years have passed on my graduation. and I believe it's time I let all this agony and anger go, and live in peace.

Yes June is full of memories; Bakaloria exams, high school graduation, final days in college, university graduation, leaving Dubai for good... and most importantly... my birthday.
I'm turning 24 in about 2 weeks.. not too excited about it.. but we will see how it goes.

and my brother's birthday was today.
He always gets us these amaaazing gifts and for us, it was just so frustrating to get him something cos we had no idea what he wants, and he was so cool as in.. I don't want anything I just wanna celebrate with you guys..
so I ended up making him brownies (with a burnt surface ofcourse!)
but he loved them!! and it made me happy!

So I'm going to be reminiscing alot on this blog this month.

I think I should call my blog "Dear Diary" instead of Twisted with Spice.
aah what the hell.. Dear Diary is so unoriginal

Oh this month, I will be finishing my French classes (level 2). I hope the institute would open a third level before I leave to Damascus (as if I know exactly when I'm going to Damascus)
but one thing I know for sure.. I love the language.

June's book is a classic: "The Animal's Farm"
and we will see how it goes....

The Frog Prince

I'm listening to this song right now called "The Frog Prince" by Keane and I have replayed it like 5 times so far.. it is just so beautiful!!
and I felt it would be very selfish of me if I didn't share it..
I looked for it over youtube.. and found a nice version of it.. I hope it's clear enough

Enjoy!!

*edit*
Couldn't insert the embedded youtube thing so here is the link :S
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xy-qdNxKals
*self thought: how unprofessional!!*

An old fairytale told me
The simple heart will be prized again
A toad will be our king
And ugly ogres are heroes

Then you'll shake
Your fist at the sky
Oh why did I rely
On fashions and small fry?

All promises broken
Feed your people or lose your throne
And forfeit your whole kingdom
I'd sooner lose it than still live in it alone
You were our golden child
But the gentle and the mild
Inherit the earth, while

Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go

Cos now we all know
Soon, someone will put a spell on you
Perfume, treasure, sorcery, every trick they know
You will lie in a deep sleep

That's whenYour prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go

Cos now we all know

Another movie

It's very weird what boredom can do to a person..

I was bored and out of it last night, so I decided to sit with my family in the TV room for a change.
They were watching "The day after tomorrow", the movie where earth freezes, and we get a new ice age..
where people start panicking and they run away and try to find a way to outlive the storm and bleh..
Just like Armageddon, Deep Impact, Independence Day, and many many other movies that have the same concept: The world is coming to an end, and American Heroes will save us!!

Well.. I was always indifferent about those movies.... like.. aaah.. nice graphics.. good imagination.. too much acting.. whatever

Right now, 2 incidents have changed my perspective to the whole "American Heroes" movies..
1. 9/11
2. The Americans Invading Iraq.

If I may, I'm going to talk about the American Invasion of Iraq first.

On Thursday, March 20, 2007, my brother and I had a flight to catch from Kuwait to Dubai to go back to Uni, although we still had a few more days of our vacation, but we made our reservation, the lady told us that there will be no flights from Kuwait Airport starting Friday.
Anyways, we went to the airport 4 hours before our flight time cos we thought it was gonna be chaotic in the airport due to the circumstances. and it was.

The airport was under construction (cos they were expanding it), so it was already in a mess.. and people were just all over the place.. with their luggage.. all trying to find a flight to catch so they can get out of there. to top it off, all airline companies cancelled their flights from/to Kuwait airport, except for Kuwait Airways.
We were lucky enough to be flying Kuwait Airways, and it was a wise thing to go early.

As we were heading towards passport control, we said our goodbye's to dad and left.. he called on us.. gave us money.. hugged the both of us.. and told us to take care.. and that we have an open ticket and we can fly to Damascus when school ends if necessary, and my uncle over there will always take care of us..

I forgot to mentioned that sirens went off once before we went to the airport, once on the way, and once while were getting ready to board the plane. and I don't know how many times after we took off.

Long story short.. it felt like the end of the world.. and I'm not sure if any director/producer/ writer/ whatever of movies such as yesterday's have been in a situation like that where he really felt like it was the end of the world.
In this specific situation, the Americans were not the heroes who saved us, they were the terrorizers.

And this all happened in Kuwait where people were scared of something that might not happen.
Iraq? we hear about it in the news every single day.

9/11
So, assuming that writers/directors/producers have never been in a similar situation before.
And assuming that those people are Americans, since movies are produced in Hollywood.
Ok.. I have never been to the US, and I didn't know which Towers are the World Trade Center until 9/11.

Watching the towers on TV collapsing, overseas, in a country that I don't belong to... it felt sick!
Just thinking there were people trapped in those buildings, real people, real lives, with real families praying that they will be okkay..
I couldn't have any feelings other than sympathy, and fear.. and I knew it will be a day that would change the world.

Back to the writers/producers/directors.. I don't know how they feel about 9/11, but real people have died that day, and the American Hero did not save them from collapsing.
Who are they kidding with their movies? defying the impossible?!

For those who have reached reading here, thank you.. it must have was such a bore reading this.. I don't even know how I finished the entry.

Final note about "The day after Tomorrow"
It is about a sudden climate change because human beings are consuming natural resources unreasonably and are not caring for Mother Earth.

According to the final reports regarding Global Warming, the US had the highest percentage of gas immittance because of the growing industries and power plants, and the US government still refuses to sign the Kyoto protocol.
I don't know how a movie can change those facts and fix the US' mistakes.

Gangs of New York

I've just finished watching Gangs of New York for the first time. I have to say it's one of those movies that leave an impact on a person after watching it to the end.
I am a bit hesitant to write this entry for a feeling that I have.
But as usual, I'm gonna go against my instinct and write it anyways. For this time, it might be wrong.
What I am going to type down here is pure personal thoughts and are not derived by any sort of belief, theory, or stereotypes.

So the movie for those who don't know it is about Irish gangs that used to fight in the streets of New York in the 1800s (also during the civil war). Mainly there were two parties, the one believing that Irish will always be Irish, and the ones that gave up being called Irish, and are now "native" Americans.
The whole point is, there was a lot of blood shedding.

I've just searched Wikipedia to see if those occurrences were true, (or at least to know how true it is) because I don't want to throw a judgment just based on watching a movie, and yes… it is mostly true (I'm gonna eliminate the Hollywood/amazing Scorsese drama because they shouldn’t count). In general, it was based on true history.

Now… what I'm trying to get at is when anyone looks back at the history of America and the Americans, there isn't so much glory in it… at least, I don't see it!
I don't know much about civil war, or issues with the immigrants, or the slavery.
I just know that those people hated each other, to the point of wanting to kill one another. One person held no respect whatsoever to anyone but himself and his opinion.
In my personal belief, I just think that when a trait dominates a group of people, it stays with them for generations. It might change due to circumstances, but it stays there, passively.
The thing is, unlike us Arabs (Muslims) who had a glorious past that we are still proud of (not an occasion passes by without us screaming out loud the accomplishment we made a gazillion years ago, forgetting that we stopped accomplishing anything a gazillion year after), Americans who have a shameful history (or so I want to call it), are the proudest people of their identity.
I've never been to the US in my life, but I have met a few Americans, and yes, they are all proud of where they come from, regardless of their original backgrounds.
They don't let the past scare them; in fact, the past is like their motive to prove their presence as "better people" (yemken ballashet shatte7).

No I'm not trying to say that I want to be an American so I can feel proud of a country that I belong to for once.

I just think that we have more rights than Americans to be proud of who we are, and not be scared of revealing our Arab identity as if we have something to be scared or ashamed of.
Because it's true, most of us (if not all) are ashamed of our current identity due to political issues and the new stereotype that has been force-pasted on our foreheads since 2001.

New York rose from poverty, gang wars, and corruption, to become the big apple.
It might sound silly, but it does give me hope that our Arab countries will someday rise from poverty, gangs (the Arab sort), and corruption, to overcome its pitfalls, and consider it, as we call it in Arabic, a "summer cloud".

Rain

What is better than winter rain?

Unexpected Spring rain!!
it was pouring all day long on Monday.. very pleasant and unexpected.
unexpected because we thought that summer has already came; temperature was above 30 last week, the AC's are on and we all thought that summer had started!

But nope!
it's just a thought.. only a thought.

I enjoyed the rain.

It was both scary and safe..
I don't really like driving at night, although the streets' illumination in Kuwait is indescribable.. but i just don't like it...
add to that slippery roads.. it wasn't such an easy thing
But I was told that I did a great job..

and I enjoyed cruising under the rain

the effects were just amazing..
I looked at the car's temperature scale this morning.. and it was 19 C!!!
19!!!!
(at this time of the year it is usually 25 C more or less)

and they keep on telling me about global warming!
Come on over to Kuwait people!!

Valentine's

Ok here is my view regarding valentine's day:

It sucks!

Enough about the argument that states that love shouldn't be celebrated on a single day and should be celebrated throughout the year.. I've been hearing it ever since I learnt about Valentine's Day.... lets talk about other stuff:

For single (or lonely) people, Valentine's Day is a constant reminder of their situation they are trying to ignore or forget or not ready to face.
It is also a reminder that time is running out and they should start doing something with their lives.

It's painful for people who spent the year before with a beloved one, and then lost that person for a reason or another.

It sucks for people who get along with everybody.. have loads of friends, but never a "special" person in their life..

It hurts for a single person whose all friends are married or hooked, and s/he spends the day alone.

It is stealing in the broad daylight:
A decent rose here in Kuwait on a normal day costs about 500 Fils (less than 2$US). However, on Valentine's Day, the same rose we are talking about costs over 2KD (over 6$ US).
This is what i call a rip off

I'm 23.. I've never done anything special on Valentine's Day
I got my first rose when I was 18. It was from a waiter at Chili's cos it was the restaurant's policy to give out roses to girls only. I was with my best friend on that day, but only I was the first-timer. To top it off, the rose was wilted.

My second and last rose was from my best friend Brian. He gave me my rose, and then he left to spend the rest of his day with his girlfriend. Well at least that rose wasn't wilted *sigh*

I still don't hate valentine's day.. I'm just irritated.
Who knows? maybe by next year, I will have a special one around, and won't have to complain anymore.
btw, this is what I told myself last year. But hope is what keeps us alive!

Hope that today was a great day for everyone who reads this.

خوري روسي

هي الغنية كان ابي يغنيلي ياها لما كنت صغيرة

وغناها لكل اخواتي

ولهلأ كل ما بيجي لعنا ولد صغير بيغنيلو ياها

كان في

خوري روسي

عندو قطة

حلوة كتير

بيحبا كتير

جاب الخوري

شقفة لحمة

حطا عالطاولة

اجت القطة

اكلت اللحمة

شافا الخوري

ضربها الخوري

ماتت القطة

زعل الخوري

حفرلا حفرة

طمرها فيها

كتب على قبرا

كان في

خوري روسي

عندو قطة

حلوة كتير

بيحبا كتير

..

..

وبتضل الغنية تعيد حالها لحتى ينعس الولد او يديق خلقو او يحفظها ويلتهي فيها.. بتضل احسن من الفعي

مدري شو ذكرني فيها

هي الغنية تريد مارك لأبي

كلو ولاد عمومي حافظينها.. غنية عمنا الصغير

طفولة بعيدة كتير.. وقريبة كتير

me and my intuition

I really should start believing in my intuition.. At least give it more credit

I really should start believing in my intuition.. At least give it more credit

The following situation happened more than once in the forum where I write:
Sometimes when I'm writing I get carried away and might end up writing something I don't wanna say. So I just rewrite it (thank God for the miracle of drafts and "undo")
When rewriting, I might halt at a word and think, maybe I shouldn't leave it.. Maybe I should write something else. This is what my intuition tells me.
However, being the hard-headed I am (i still haven't met any soft-headed person in my life yet btw), so yea instead of listening to my intuition, I just leave the word I stopped at, and post the comment as it is..
Once I start receiving comments on the post, at least one comment should be about that word I halted at!!
And most of time, I expect the nature of comment, and who would post it!

But I just don't stop!!

So why don't I start believing in my intuition?
Here is the reason:
Because whenever I give it a chance and start believing, it decides to fail me!
As if it is not up to that responsibility anymore and it freaks out once it is given that trust and doesn't know what to with it, so it just drops it and shatters it into pieces
Failing me.

Well, I can handle some stupid comments every now and then. I know which comments are to be given a smart answer and which shall be ignored.
And online u can always edit or undo or rewrite stuff
But in real life, you have to be witty enough to handle such comments.
Sometimes people say the nastiest things when they don't mean it. Especially when they r angry. And that tardy intuition always comes in while u r saying those words, when its too late.

No intuition, go to hell..
All I need is to be quick and smooth.. And that would do.

Note: I didn't proof-read my entry, so please be merciful

حوار

امي تشاهد التلفاز و تحل الكلمات المتقاطعة في غرفة الجلوس
أتيتها من الغرفة المجاورة.. وجلست بجوارها

ـ ماما دايق خلقي
ـ عطيه لأختك الصغيرة
ـ مامي عم احكي جد
ـ طيب حطيلو سجاف وعرضيه

تحبطني الردود اللامباليه، فأمسك بالريموت كونترول لأغير المحطة، علّي اجد شيئا يستحق المشاهدة

ـ تركيه من ايدك عم اتفرج
ـ ماما عم تحللي كلمات متقاطعة
ـ عم قللك تركيه من ايدك
ـ حاضر

*برهة صمت*

ـ مامي.. دقتلي رفيقتي.. قال طالعين الشلة مشوار وعزموني اطلع معون
ـ مين؟
ـ يعني.. رفقاتي بتعرفيهون.. ليال ونادين و عالية
ـ لوين؟
ـ عالشوكليت بار بالمارينا
ـ مابقا في بيوت تشوفو بعض فيها؟
ـ يعني تغيير جو
ـ افتحي الدرج وخدي لوح شوكولا وعزميهون للبنات عالبيت وبلا هالفزلكة
ـ بس انا جعبالي اطلع
ـ سمعتيني وللا لأ؟
ـ طيب هي أخي بيطلع مع رفقاتو يعني اشمعنى؟
ـ اخوكي شب انتي بنت
*اقدم حجة واهية بالتاريخ*
ـ طيب هي رفقاتي وقرايبينا البنات بيطعلو مع رفقاتون.. شوفيها يعني؟؟
ـ نحنا ما دخلنا بالعالم.. علينا من حالنا
ـ يعني البنات عيب عليها اذا طلعت مشوار؟؟ كل البنات يللي بتطلع صايعات يعني؟؟ انو والله ما بيصير يكون في شي اسمو عيب عالبنت وما يكون عيب عالشب.. ليش هالتفرقة؟؟
ـ لا تجادليني! شي حلو والله! بدك تعمليني الصح من الغلط كمان؟؟ يللي بعمرك فتحو بيوت وصار عندون ولاد وعم يتعاملو مع بيت احمى.. وانتي مع اهلك ما عم تعرفي تتعاملي؟؟ هيك ربيناكي نحنا؟؟؟
ـ ما دخلني بالعالم
ـ نحنا مندور عالشي المنيح بالعالم مو عالشي العاطل ومنتفرج عليه... مندور على القدوة الحسنة
ـ بس انا ما عم اعمل شي غلط
ـ لعيتيلي قلبيي !!! وحياة المنصوبة اذا ما بتسكري هالسيرة لاخبطك بيللي بايدي
ـ طيب طيب امرك

*برهة صمت اخرى*
ـ طيب مامي والله دايق خلقي وجعبالي اطلع من البيت
ـ ماشي ولا يهمك.. بدي شوية غراض من السوبر ماركت هلأ انا وياكي مننزل منجيبون اسمو ابوكي تركلك السيارة

*تمت*

دمعة

البكاء شيء اساسي بالحياة بالرغم من انو في كتير ناس ما بتقدرو وبتعتبرو نوع من الضعف. الضعفي يللي بيواجه الانسان لما بيحس حالو عاجز او فارغ.

الواحد منا ممكن يكابر على دمعة اكتر ما يكابر على وجع او الم
بتلاقينا شاطرين بالسق والنق كتير، بس لما الموضوع بيتعلق بالبكاء.. كلنا منكون شجعان، والواحد بيفضل يقولو عنو انو دمعتو عزيزة او شخصيتو قوية او قلبو قاسي بس ما يقولو عنو حساس او رقيق او دمعتو سخية

الدمعة دليل جبن بمجتمعنا

ليش لحتى ما نبكي؟
مع انو البكا بيطري القلب وبيغسل الروح

منبكي من موقف انساني او من حزن اصابنا او من شوية تذلل وخشوع للذات الالهية يللي منعبدها او من شوقنا لأهلنا القريبيين او من صدمتنا لخيانة صديق عزيز او من شعورنا بالقهر بالوحدة بالتعاسة

نبكي من الضعف

اذا بكينا كذا مرة بعمرنا
حالة اكتئاب عامة
ليش بتكون اخر مرة اكتر مرة مزعجة؟؟
اكيد مو بسبب موقفها، لأن لما منبلش بالبكاء بتصير كل كل المواقف البشعة عم تنسرد براسنا كأنك بقاعة سينما ومقيد بالكرسي ومافينك تغادر لحتى تشوف فيلم الرعب الشخصي.. فيلم من حياتك، من تجاربك، من اخطائك، ومن ابتلاءات الزمن عليك. فيلم بيشجعنا على الانجراف. دمعة ورا دمعة لحتى نتنهنه

بس شو بيخللي هالمرة الاخيرة مرة مزعجة؟؟
لأن حدا بمرقة طريقو بيشوفك بالصدفة بخلوتك مع نفسك، بلحظتك الخاصة القدسية
بيشوف دمعتك
بيكشف سرك
انت رقيق
وما راح يتركك لحتى تحكي، واذا انت بديت بالحكي ما راح توقف، بس بنفس الوقت ما بدك تحكي
بيكفي اول سر انفضح.. الله يستر على باقي الاسرار
ليش هو مصرّ يعرف؟؟ هو وفي وبدو يساعد او هو خبيث وبدو يشمت فيك

انت بكل الاحوال ما راح تحكي

وراح تقطع على حالك وعد بأنك تركب جلدة جديدة اصلية لحنفية دموعك ما تنهرى مع هالزمن اللئيم، وتحط قلبك بصندوق وتسكر عليه

وما ضروري حدا يشوف هالدمعة

A sneak peak into the future, everyone's future

Last night before I went to bed, I set my alarm to wake up for the Fajer prayer.

So the alarm went off at 5 something.. and I could hear the call for prayer coming from the mosque next to my house.

I decided to wake up.. but I dozed off for a while.

I had a vision
It was my funeral.

I was placed in a casket.. wooden, and a black sheet thing was wrapped around it…My funeral was very normal… like any funeral…
I couldn’t see who was carrying my casket, but I saw my father, my 3 uncles from mom's side, and their boys. I couldn’t see any of my brothers or any family from my dad's side.

The funeral procession was walking in my neighborhood, where my grandmother's house is. It's like I was watching them from above, and I saw my little cousin looking up (as if he is looking at the balconies), smiling and waving…

We reached to the cemetery, our same old one.
My dad carried me out of the casket to hand me to my uncle, who was inside the grave I was to be placed in…
Before he handed me to him, he removed the white sheet off my face, kissed my forehead, then he hugged me so tight. He was crying…
He then handed me to my uncle, saying please be careful, she is my precious.
My uncle placed me on the floor on my right side. He then recited something from the Quran.

Then it was dark
Very dark

I woke up that second.
I felt like it was real.. all of it!
I had tears in my eyes...

It was 7 when I woke up! Sun was all up and Fajer was gone!! Daaamn!! Stupid dream!!

But it's something to think about…
No surprises in the future… when it really comes

It's over

The last entry written in 2006.. and is published in 2007..
Was it crazy or what?

Just when I thought it was over, yesterday‘s news proved me wrong...
One of the biggest dictators in history was hanged to death yesterday.
Many people considered him to be a martyr...
I'm having some mixed feelings regarding that matter. The Iraqi-Kuwaiti war in 1990 got me emotional. I have witnessed the beginning, suffered the tension, and studied the results.
His hanging made me happy.. Even though it‘s the first day of eid and the date became a controversial issue.

I watched the footage of the hanging today..
Depressing.. Very
Felt sorry for him.. A mixture of sorrow and pity.

A new era has begun

So what else?
Yes.. This year was better than many other years, but compared to 2005, it wasn‘t all that good.
It wasn't a complete mess (I'm trying to stay positive here) but my social life isn't the way I really want it..
it‘s really hard to step back, and it‘s harder to know you are stepping back, and even harder to know that you can't do anything about it and have no hand in it.
I take partial responsibility of my situation. I didn't stand up for my wants and needs. it‘s probably the fear of rejection, or maybe I'm just a cowered, or maybe it‘s a hopeless situation.

But all I know is that I need to take a step to get out.
And that is my new year‘s resolution.

broken chain

seclusion

ideas flowing in

brain rush

grab a pen and paper

great thoughts...

start writing

never thought better

start typing

brain rush gets faster

strong heartbeats


words floating

links broken

thoughts are gone


couch potato again...

ideas flow back in

ignore... they will deceive you as they always do...


your post is gone

To do lists and procrastination

it's December again
The year is coming to an end..

This is the time of the year when you start to review your last year's resolutions and think about how you never managed to accomplish your aspirations... or at least half of them

so I had in mind to read a number of books this year... I read about half of them.. but not all..
It all comes down to 2 reasons:
Bad choices, and mood issues
I am satisfied with the books I have read, but I had to wonder why I (or anyone for that matter) don't accomplish many of the planned goals to the end.

Procrastination is a very big problem in this part of the world... I barely know anyone who doesn't procrastinate...
I believe it became part of our Arabic human nature

Why do we procrastinate?
Ok I shall speak for myself.
Because I like things to go smooth and perfect, I make up plans... and to do lists...
even when i redecorated my room, I made a to-do list for every step, that my sister almost lost it!
Why the to-do's? well sometimes when you have a gazillion thing to do, you have to write them down to keep track of what u r doing because you tend to lose your concentration.
after writing the to-do list, I find myself unable to do half of the things I planned to do
why?
reasons vary depending on the situation
It could be parents that would ruin your plans just cos they feel like it, or because they are afraid to lose you, it could be a stupid tumble dryer that doesn't want to work anymore, it could be an unfaithful friend who decides to stab you in the back when least expected and when you least need it, it could be an irresponsible younger brother that you have to take care of, or it could be that you are just out of it.

whatever it is, usually the main reason is: being overwhelmed.
when everything is perfectly planned, malfunction occurs during execution.
looking at your list and counting your steps and wondering... ooooh I still have to do this and this and that and what if I don't get it done... blaaa... that's when we start to push back our work and fail.

For me, when I do fight the laziness, and when I decide to become stronger than the overwhelming feeling, I succeed.
It gives a great feeling of accomplishment to stick to plans and finish them on time...

I have a small resolution for remaining of this year, and it is to finish the work project I started this summer, because it is about time. And I shall finish it before 2007 starts.

For the next year... I'm gonna let it go with the flow
I just hope that I will manage to get out of the mess I'm living in right now... that's all

it's a balance

I finally got myself to believe there is some good in my attitude of not having a "passion" for a specific thing in life.

Ok, first, what is a passion in my terms?
A passion is something you dearly love. Something that you were born to do, you have been doing all your life, and will continue to do, even on your death bed.
It could be a hobby, like music, reading, writing, photography, drawing, computing, puzzling… what have you. Or, it could be something that makes you feel good about yourself…such as helping people.

Ever since I started to realize that I like to do so many things at the same time, but not to reach a point of perfectionism in anything in specific, I started to possess over the fact that I don’t have something to live for.

The other day, I watched a video on youtube about a man expressing his reason for waking up every morning. His reason is his 3 year-old boy. He was encouraging people to find that something that they love most, so they would take good care of it and because it will help them appreciate life even more. Most of the people who replied to this video also stated that their kids are the reason why they live.
It made me notice something.
What was their reason of living and breathing before they had children? I mean… Those people were not born parents… they must have had something to cherish before they popped some juniors to this world.
Then again, maybe they found a reason to live after they had this responsibility.

The truth to be said, watching this video gave me a sort of a relief…
Someday, I will be a mother for a child, and he/she will be my reason to wake up in the morning. My passion.
But as a person who always expects the worst (since this is what life had taught me), I had to measure the other side of the story…
The other side meaning, what if I never had kids, for one reason or another?
Should I stay passionless till the end of time?
I halted again.

Yesterday, I was chatting with a friend.
He told me something that gave me the answer that I was looking for, and he didn’t know it.
He said that one of the good things about me is that I am balanced inside, there is no side of my personality that prevails on the other… I am just symmetrical!
*ok I sound like a smug here, but this was what he told me*

I thought about what he said… and it just occurred to me that this is it!! This is the reason why I don’t have a passion.

I am a perfectionist (I've always known it and confessed it). Perfectionists seek balance in everything.
If I had a passion for anything, I will be obsessed about it. This obsession will block my chances of engaging in any sane arguments regarding it, since I'm going to be very biased.

It could be a justification for a state of denial that I'm living…
But what for? Is there anything better than being a balanced person and have peace with your self? I don’t think so.

Insomnia

Insomnia is one of the worst condition any human being can go through...
You are basically all consumed throughout the day.. all tired and worn out. you take a warm shower, swallow an Advil or two, you even drank that milk that you hate so much, then you jump into your warm cozy bed... the surrender to sleep
However... sleep doesn't want you!
You are waiting for it
But it's just not happening!

You try to open your eyes, and they open up like its broad daylight!
You try to get up to do something since you are already awake... but, you have 0 concentration
So what do you do? you just stay in bed... and wait... as simple as that..
It could be an hour, it could be two, it could be all night long...

What's even worse than not being able to sleep is sleeping and not knowing it...
It's like having this little tiny processor in the back of your brain that keeps on running even when you are asleep, and its functionality is preventing you from recognizing that you are already asleep!
When does it hit you?
When the alarm goes off at 7 so you have to go to work. You then realize that you need these extra five minute of sleep.. just those five minutes and they will do... and before you know it, you are deep asleep! why? cos you have to get up!!
Luckily, you will have your mother or sister around to check on you and make sure that you're up.
What's even funnier than that, is during this stolen snooze, you think that you are wide awake, you've already brushed your teeth, had your coffee, and even got into your car! that's when your mom's voice comes in to tell you that you are still in bed, and you were only dreaming!

I had another insomniac night last night... they are all accompanied with a bad/annoying dream..
When I got up at 7 I had second thoughts about going to work... Then I brushed them away.. cos the snooze wont do... and once I'm up, I will be wide awake.
And I was!

In a cranky mood...
It got better though..
I grabbed a suit of mine that I haven't wore in 2 years cos the pants were abit too tight...
Today when I tried them on... they fitted perfectly!! even a bit loose!!
Gave me a great feeling of achievement! *Girly moment here*
*sigh!*

Heard the news this morning
Israel pulled off its troops from Ghaza Strip..
It's a victory...
Just hoping they didn't leave anything behind...
The shredded grieving families are enough

It's going to be a good week!

Why the final act?

if you read my previous entry titled "Final Act" you will notice that it's another end for a love story between two people that have been hiding their feelings due to many reasons, including the fact that they don't want to mess up their friendship

A friend asked me.. what's the point of your post?
well..
I'm the kind of person who jumps to the end.. cos the end is the most important part.. and if i don't know the end, i wont be able to read the novel
Am i missing the whole point of reading? maybe... but this is how i can interact with the story more... i get to feel its reality...

one more thing..
why the last act?
why not the begging? or the middle?

we all like happy endings...
especially when it comes to cheesy love stories or chick flicks
but when it comes to reality.. happy endings are very rare

I've known quiet a number of couples in my conservative society..
but how many of them ended the way the couples themselves wanted.. or the way we wanted them to become.. or the way common sense should go?
common sense?
we all seek happiness
what we see in the movies of ppl stepping on their pride to reach out for their loved ones.. that's just not right... it's very fake
cos even when you are in love, ur not gonna reach back to the person who had hurt u cos u love him...
when hurt by a loved one, its just too painful... the thin line between love and hate becomes thinner and soon the pain becomes agony.. and develops to hate... all due to pride
this is not what they show us in the movies

the last act exists in utopia
its good to feel it
but this is not how real life is
even when we try

introduction

Yea I rushed in to post my first blog, forgetting to introduce myself

so yea... twisted with spice is how I am

I am a 23 year old Syrian who was born and raised in Kuwait.

I have a problem in belonging cos I feel home in neither places.. But I am struggling to make them both home... It's enough that I love them both!

oh yea... I'm a girl

Enjoy!!