حوار

امي تشاهد التلفاز و تحل الكلمات المتقاطعة في غرفة الجلوس
أتيتها من الغرفة المجاورة.. وجلست بجوارها

ـ ماما دايق خلقي
ـ عطيه لأختك الصغيرة
ـ مامي عم احكي جد
ـ طيب حطيلو سجاف وعرضيه

تحبطني الردود اللامباليه، فأمسك بالريموت كونترول لأغير المحطة، علّي اجد شيئا يستحق المشاهدة

ـ تركيه من ايدك عم اتفرج
ـ ماما عم تحللي كلمات متقاطعة
ـ عم قللك تركيه من ايدك
ـ حاضر

*برهة صمت*

ـ مامي.. دقتلي رفيقتي.. قال طالعين الشلة مشوار وعزموني اطلع معون
ـ مين؟
ـ يعني.. رفقاتي بتعرفيهون.. ليال ونادين و عالية
ـ لوين؟
ـ عالشوكليت بار بالمارينا
ـ مابقا في بيوت تشوفو بعض فيها؟
ـ يعني تغيير جو
ـ افتحي الدرج وخدي لوح شوكولا وعزميهون للبنات عالبيت وبلا هالفزلكة
ـ بس انا جعبالي اطلع
ـ سمعتيني وللا لأ؟
ـ طيب هي أخي بيطلع مع رفقاتو يعني اشمعنى؟
ـ اخوكي شب انتي بنت
*اقدم حجة واهية بالتاريخ*
ـ طيب هي رفقاتي وقرايبينا البنات بيطعلو مع رفقاتون.. شوفيها يعني؟؟
ـ نحنا ما دخلنا بالعالم.. علينا من حالنا
ـ يعني البنات عيب عليها اذا طلعت مشوار؟؟ كل البنات يللي بتطلع صايعات يعني؟؟ انو والله ما بيصير يكون في شي اسمو عيب عالبنت وما يكون عيب عالشب.. ليش هالتفرقة؟؟
ـ لا تجادليني! شي حلو والله! بدك تعمليني الصح من الغلط كمان؟؟ يللي بعمرك فتحو بيوت وصار عندون ولاد وعم يتعاملو مع بيت احمى.. وانتي مع اهلك ما عم تعرفي تتعاملي؟؟ هيك ربيناكي نحنا؟؟؟
ـ ما دخلني بالعالم
ـ نحنا مندور عالشي المنيح بالعالم مو عالشي العاطل ومنتفرج عليه... مندور على القدوة الحسنة
ـ بس انا ما عم اعمل شي غلط
ـ لعيتيلي قلبيي !!! وحياة المنصوبة اذا ما بتسكري هالسيرة لاخبطك بيللي بايدي
ـ طيب طيب امرك

*برهة صمت اخرى*
ـ طيب مامي والله دايق خلقي وجعبالي اطلع من البيت
ـ ماشي ولا يهمك.. بدي شوية غراض من السوبر ماركت هلأ انا وياكي مننزل منجيبون اسمو ابوكي تركلك السيارة

*تمت*

دمعة

البكاء شيء اساسي بالحياة بالرغم من انو في كتير ناس ما بتقدرو وبتعتبرو نوع من الضعف. الضعفي يللي بيواجه الانسان لما بيحس حالو عاجز او فارغ.

الواحد منا ممكن يكابر على دمعة اكتر ما يكابر على وجع او الم
بتلاقينا شاطرين بالسق والنق كتير، بس لما الموضوع بيتعلق بالبكاء.. كلنا منكون شجعان، والواحد بيفضل يقولو عنو انو دمعتو عزيزة او شخصيتو قوية او قلبو قاسي بس ما يقولو عنو حساس او رقيق او دمعتو سخية

الدمعة دليل جبن بمجتمعنا

ليش لحتى ما نبكي؟
مع انو البكا بيطري القلب وبيغسل الروح

منبكي من موقف انساني او من حزن اصابنا او من شوية تذلل وخشوع للذات الالهية يللي منعبدها او من شوقنا لأهلنا القريبيين او من صدمتنا لخيانة صديق عزيز او من شعورنا بالقهر بالوحدة بالتعاسة

نبكي من الضعف

اذا بكينا كذا مرة بعمرنا
حالة اكتئاب عامة
ليش بتكون اخر مرة اكتر مرة مزعجة؟؟
اكيد مو بسبب موقفها، لأن لما منبلش بالبكاء بتصير كل كل المواقف البشعة عم تنسرد براسنا كأنك بقاعة سينما ومقيد بالكرسي ومافينك تغادر لحتى تشوف فيلم الرعب الشخصي.. فيلم من حياتك، من تجاربك، من اخطائك، ومن ابتلاءات الزمن عليك. فيلم بيشجعنا على الانجراف. دمعة ورا دمعة لحتى نتنهنه

بس شو بيخللي هالمرة الاخيرة مرة مزعجة؟؟
لأن حدا بمرقة طريقو بيشوفك بالصدفة بخلوتك مع نفسك، بلحظتك الخاصة القدسية
بيشوف دمعتك
بيكشف سرك
انت رقيق
وما راح يتركك لحتى تحكي، واذا انت بديت بالحكي ما راح توقف، بس بنفس الوقت ما بدك تحكي
بيكفي اول سر انفضح.. الله يستر على باقي الاسرار
ليش هو مصرّ يعرف؟؟ هو وفي وبدو يساعد او هو خبيث وبدو يشمت فيك

انت بكل الاحوال ما راح تحكي

وراح تقطع على حالك وعد بأنك تركب جلدة جديدة اصلية لحنفية دموعك ما تنهرى مع هالزمن اللئيم، وتحط قلبك بصندوق وتسكر عليه

وما ضروري حدا يشوف هالدمعة

A sneak peak into the future, everyone's future

Last night before I went to bed, I set my alarm to wake up for the Fajer prayer.

So the alarm went off at 5 something.. and I could hear the call for prayer coming from the mosque next to my house.

I decided to wake up.. but I dozed off for a while.

I had a vision
It was my funeral.

I was placed in a casket.. wooden, and a black sheet thing was wrapped around it…My funeral was very normal… like any funeral…
I couldn’t see who was carrying my casket, but I saw my father, my 3 uncles from mom's side, and their boys. I couldn’t see any of my brothers or any family from my dad's side.

The funeral procession was walking in my neighborhood, where my grandmother's house is. It's like I was watching them from above, and I saw my little cousin looking up (as if he is looking at the balconies), smiling and waving…

We reached to the cemetery, our same old one.
My dad carried me out of the casket to hand me to my uncle, who was inside the grave I was to be placed in…
Before he handed me to him, he removed the white sheet off my face, kissed my forehead, then he hugged me so tight. He was crying…
He then handed me to my uncle, saying please be careful, she is my precious.
My uncle placed me on the floor on my right side. He then recited something from the Quran.

Then it was dark
Very dark

I woke up that second.
I felt like it was real.. all of it!
I had tears in my eyes...

It was 7 when I woke up! Sun was all up and Fajer was gone!! Daaamn!! Stupid dream!!

But it's something to think about…
No surprises in the future… when it really comes

Sweet Dreams

They say in Arabic... "You can know what's written by looking at the title"
I say, you can see how your day/week/year goes just by looking at the way it starts

Today is the 4th of January.
4 days have passed, it's long enough to know that it's not starting off well
It all started in New Year's Eve
Was all well until I went to sleep.. and had a bad dream.

The magic about dreams is how they affect you after you wake up... they either leave you with a real great or a totally ugly feeling, depending on the situation
It was one of those bad dreams that stay with me until I sleep at night...
I just couldn't stop thinking about it.. it was sooo upsetting!!
I couldn't even talk about it to anyone.. not because I couldn't say what I saw, but because I was trying to forget itthe night came... and boy was I happy!

So what's next?

A continuation of that bad dream the very next night!!
And it also happened the night after...
I don't know.. I'm just too scared to have another one tonight..
I don't think I want to go to sleep

But this is not how we deal with our fear...
Running away is exhausting So I shall confront it..
Not cos I'm strong

But because I'm too sleepy.. and I long for a deep sleep..

My Daddy's Cannelloni

So today was my daddy's birthday
Last week we went to this real nice French restaurant and my dad ordered spinach cannelloni.. and fell in love with it
he wondered why we don't do it at home..

So today.. daddy's girl (me) decides to prepare a supriiiise for dinner!!
My sister made him his favorite desert, crème brule
and I was to do the cannelloni...

Got the recipe from the cook book
Got my stuff ready.. and began!

Half way through, my mom came in.. she was like.. are you making the cannelloni?
I was like, yes!
She freaked out for a moment (knowing my history in the kitchen, she had the right to do so)
Then she said "why don't you prepare it now and cook it tomorrow for lunch?"
I was like "I already started, and I want to do it today"
so she said "ok as u wish!" but I know deep inside that she wanted me to say ok mom will do it tomorrow...I got a bad feeling
Cos when my mom doesn't want something to happen.. it doesn't!!
Then I was like.. what the hell.. will try anyway..

My first time making cannelloni..
So half way through, I realize that we don't have eggs! so I run to my brother and beggg him to get some eggs!
After pleading and promising to be a slave for a day or two, I got my eggs.
So what's next??
aaah the filling is looking good!
I started filling the cannelloni tubes.. then I realize, I don't have enough filling!!
Now what???

Calm down tamtam... its ok.. just make 12 pieces, each person shall get 2.. it's only ur first time, they wont eat u!
Who am I kidding.

ok... all done! place them in the oven!
it says 30 to 35 min or until cooked

20 min later, i open up the oven to see how they r looking...
well.. not too good..
see.. the side edges of the tubes had nothing liquidy on them (no tomato paste or cheese) to they basically dried out.
the cheese that fell on the bottom of the baking tray burnt and started to smell
but the rest of it wasn't really cooked yet..

I sprayed some butter on it, hoping that it would get better
my dad came home at the best time for dinner..

but my family members always have other plans..
dad went out to see a friend who just came back from Hajj
my brother went to the gym
and my mom was studying for her exams

dinner was delayed for about 2 hours
I just left my cannelloni's in the oven while it was off

so finally.. when everyone was home and we finally got to sit down and eat together like normal families do, I went to serve the cannelloni's...
to my shock, they were stuck to the bottom of the tray...
I don't think I want to explain more... it just wasn't good!!
so I decided to throw it away…
why did mom have to come in??

Sat to the table, next to my daddy, with all my pride, and my big hidden self-disappointment. hoping that no one will notice.. especially the biggest tormentors on earth, my brothers
no.1 "where is the great invention you were working on when we came home??"me "umm.. I decided to give it up.. not too good for a nice occasion as this"
no.2 "ofcourse it wasn't good enough, u cant even make scrambled eggs!"no1&2 simultaneously "bahahahahahaha"

Then daddy interfered "shut up both of u, she's your older sister, show some respect! if it didn't turn out good today, she will try again tomorrow or the day after. but you two have no right of judging her!"

I drew huge smirk on my face.. gave my brothers the nastiest looks, and retained my glory
No one can make them both shut up the way daddy does

Will I try again?
Only if he reminds me.. I'm gonna forget it for now

Oh yea.. the crème brulle was very very good.. so now I have a grudge on my mom and my sister..

But at least he enjoyed it, and it made me happy

اطلاق العدد الأول من جريدة عرب جرب First Issue of the Arab Jarab Publication

تم اطلاق العدد الأول من جريدة عرب جرب... جريدة كل العرب، باللغة العربية

فضلا، انقر على الرابط ادناه للإطلاع على العدد الأول

www.arab-jarab.com

أهنئ أصدقائي العاملين على الجريدة الفريدة من نوعها.. آمل ان تحقق ما يصبون اليه وما يصبو اليه كل عربي

زعبوط، لوست، بلاولاشي، ستال، وسنجوب (حتى لو ما كنا اصحاب كتير).. مبروك يا شباب.. ويعطيكون العافية

It's over

The last entry written in 2006.. and is published in 2007..
Was it crazy or what?

Just when I thought it was over, yesterday‘s news proved me wrong...
One of the biggest dictators in history was hanged to death yesterday.
Many people considered him to be a martyr...
I'm having some mixed feelings regarding that matter. The Iraqi-Kuwaiti war in 1990 got me emotional. I have witnessed the beginning, suffered the tension, and studied the results.
His hanging made me happy.. Even though it‘s the first day of eid and the date became a controversial issue.

I watched the footage of the hanging today..
Depressing.. Very
Felt sorry for him.. A mixture of sorrow and pity.

A new era has begun

So what else?
Yes.. This year was better than many other years, but compared to 2005, it wasn‘t all that good.
It wasn't a complete mess (I'm trying to stay positive here) but my social life isn't the way I really want it..
it‘s really hard to step back, and it‘s harder to know you are stepping back, and even harder to know that you can't do anything about it and have no hand in it.
I take partial responsibility of my situation. I didn't stand up for my wants and needs. it‘s probably the fear of rejection, or maybe I'm just a cowered, or maybe it‘s a hopeless situation.

But all I know is that I need to take a step to get out.
And that is my new year‘s resolution.